Friday, June 22, 2012

Not being lazy

Trust me when I say this, guys. I'm not being lazy by not blogging. I just have loads of homework to do. And I do blog. I have been drafting loads of blog post but every time I want to post them, I just think that they're not good enough.

Upcoming ones are about my nail polish collection (I was about to post them when I bought 3 more), some of my favourite random products 'cause I'm tired of telling my friends about them and being ignored when I'm supposed to be appreciated and thanked.

And there are many post that I've finished drafting but I just couldn't bring myself to post it. Many many emo ones that I know that no one would like reading. Who likes reading sad posts? People like reading argumental posts, ranting ones etc. No one likes sad ones unless they happen to be sad that day.

I have been very down this whole month and I can't bring myself to post anything happy 'cause I'll just be faking it. I've said this many times, but I'm still gonna say it anyway. I won't ever lie on my blog. I just won't mention it, but I would never lie or fake anything.

So yeah, I didn't want to fake my happiness, so there really isn't anything for me to talk about. This whole holiday has been horrible. Really, really, horrible. I felt like the whole world just crashed down. ON ME.

I don't know why this world always choose to crush down at the wrong time. I'M STREAMING THIS YEAR FOR GOODNESS SAKE. How can everyone be so mean to me now???? Still not my worst year though.

And youth church camp? The first day I went I couldn't stand it anymore. Started crying like CRAZY 'cause I felt like daddy just totally abandoned me here and he's not coming back for me anymore. All of a sudden everything my maid told me became true. And church isn't a place where I feel comfortable.

Sure, I love God, I feel safe with God and everything, but God is one thing, company is another. And I'm not very close with the people in church. In fact, I don't like them. I feel really uneasy with them. Whenever I'm with them, I'll be so tense and I can't relax.

I texted daddy and started crying and crying. And daddy had no choice but to bring me home. While waiting for daddy, I had a long chat with Pastor Chris. Told him about my experiences with games, and how I was always humiliated by other people.

I told him I would tell him more about my childhood, (regarding my maid) but so far, there isn't a chance yet, so, well.. We'll see..

I suspect that I have depression though. And post-trauma stress disorder. Searched google for the symtoms and I have most of them. Am currently reading some self-help books. If this worsens...I guess I'll have no choice but to tell my parents.

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