Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Roller Coaster Ride

Why do I always have moments like this? Where I just feel like the entire world is against me and I have no one to talk to because they will judge me because they don't understand.

Poly life has been good so far. Quite a lot of drama - which everyone thinks is my fault - around me. Maybe it really is my fault and I should be a nicer person and be less opiniated and more tolerant. But would I still be myself if I do that? The biggest struggle - how do you remain true to yourself without being annoying when you are annoying?

Sometimes I feel like the world is better off without me.

Pessimistic, I know. But I feel like all I do is add lots of drama and unnecessary conflict - according to everyone - to people around me. How do I manage a balance between staying firm to your beliefs and morals without being a bitch? How do I stay opiniated without hurting others and causing conflicts? People always say I'm always trying to pick a fight. Maybe its true. Maybe I should just be more tolerant. Maybe I shouldn't be so opiniated.

Sometimes I wish I was mute.

At least that way I won't be able to express how I feel. Then people won't say I'm being noisy. Or loud. Or irritating. Or bitchy. Or whiny. I don't know. Sometimes all I want to do is rip my voice box apart. Maybe that will make people happy.

I have never been that kind of person that is good at anything. I know a lot of stuff, I've been exposed to a lot of different sets of skills. Sports, music, studying, arts etc. I'm average at everything. Never good. Never the best. Never the one that sticks out. Never the one where people go, "Omg she is so good!".

I know I'm not the only one experiencing this. Maybe I'm just being a whiny and ungrateful bitch. I don't know.

But sometimes, I just wish I have something that I'm good at consistently.

I mean, yeah, some people say I'm good at studies - I have gotten awards before, I've also topped the class for tests/exams before. Some people say I'm good at playing the piano. I used to think I'm good too, until I realize that I am never ALWAYS good.

I know no one is always good, I know.

But at least they are most of the time, right?

I've always been good at something just like, once for every 100 times I try. It makes me so happy, and then I fall, really, really hard. It's painful. Especially when your failure was public. It's humiliating. That moment when everyone is rooting for you, counting on you, and you fail. You fail so, so, badly.

I thought I got pass that in poly. Now I know I didn't. I never did and I never will. I try to tell myself the famous quote - those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

But we all know thats just bullshit. It's the people who mind that matters the most. It's those that matters that minds so much.

Why?

I hate my life, honestly.

Sometimes I think, just keep your friends close and get everyone to fuck off. But you know, some friends can become your worst enemy overnight. Sometimes your enemies aren't really your enemy.

Life is just a sick game, isn't it?

Again, this is the part where I wish I'll just die.

Maybe I'm just being ungrateful as usual. I'm just whining, you know, the usual. Just ignore me, really.

It is my birthday tomorrow. My 18th birthday. I'll be getting my purity ring tmr - and I'm excited and scared at the same time.

Excited because well, it's a new beginning. I made a promise to myself. And I will do all I can to keep it. Scared because..well, you'll never know. It's a secret I'll never tell. A secret I'll keep till I die.

It's probably going to be the same thing again. Be happy, be excited, and thrilled that it's my birthday. Then go home, and cry before I sleep, as usual.

Because it's been a year - and I still haven't found myself. I still don't know my place in this world. I still don't know my purpose in life. I still don't know my identity. I still don't know myself.

I'm still lost.