Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Roller Coaster Ride

Why do I always have moments like this? Where I just feel like the entire world is against me and I have no one to talk to because they will judge me because they don't understand.

Poly life has been good so far. Quite a lot of drama - which everyone thinks is my fault - around me. Maybe it really is my fault and I should be a nicer person and be less opiniated and more tolerant. But would I still be myself if I do that? The biggest struggle - how do you remain true to yourself without being annoying when you are annoying?

Sometimes I feel like the world is better off without me.

Pessimistic, I know. But I feel like all I do is add lots of drama and unnecessary conflict - according to everyone - to people around me. How do I manage a balance between staying firm to your beliefs and morals without being a bitch? How do I stay opiniated without hurting others and causing conflicts? People always say I'm always trying to pick a fight. Maybe its true. Maybe I should just be more tolerant. Maybe I shouldn't be so opiniated.

Sometimes I wish I was mute.

At least that way I won't be able to express how I feel. Then people won't say I'm being noisy. Or loud. Or irritating. Or bitchy. Or whiny. I don't know. Sometimes all I want to do is rip my voice box apart. Maybe that will make people happy.

I have never been that kind of person that is good at anything. I know a lot of stuff, I've been exposed to a lot of different sets of skills. Sports, music, studying, arts etc. I'm average at everything. Never good. Never the best. Never the one that sticks out. Never the one where people go, "Omg she is so good!".

I know I'm not the only one experiencing this. Maybe I'm just being a whiny and ungrateful bitch. I don't know.

But sometimes, I just wish I have something that I'm good at consistently.

I mean, yeah, some people say I'm good at studies - I have gotten awards before, I've also topped the class for tests/exams before. Some people say I'm good at playing the piano. I used to think I'm good too, until I realize that I am never ALWAYS good.

I know no one is always good, I know.

But at least they are most of the time, right?

I've always been good at something just like, once for every 100 times I try. It makes me so happy, and then I fall, really, really hard. It's painful. Especially when your failure was public. It's humiliating. That moment when everyone is rooting for you, counting on you, and you fail. You fail so, so, badly.

I thought I got pass that in poly. Now I know I didn't. I never did and I never will. I try to tell myself the famous quote - those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

But we all know thats just bullshit. It's the people who mind that matters the most. It's those that matters that minds so much.


I hate my life, honestly.

Sometimes I think, just keep your friends close and get everyone to fuck off. But you know, some friends can become your worst enemy overnight. Sometimes your enemies aren't really your enemy.

Life is just a sick game, isn't it?

Again, this is the part where I wish I'll just die.

Maybe I'm just being ungrateful as usual. I'm just whining, you know, the usual. Just ignore me, really.

It is my birthday tomorrow. My 18th birthday. I'll be getting my purity ring tmr - and I'm excited and scared at the same time.

Excited because well, it's a new beginning. I made a promise to myself. And I will do all I can to keep it. Scared because..well, you'll never know. It's a secret I'll never tell. A secret I'll keep till I die.

It's probably going to be the same thing again. Be happy, be excited, and thrilled that it's my birthday. Then go home, and cry before I sleep, as usual.

Because it's been a year - and I still haven't found myself. I still don't know my place in this world. I still don't know my purpose in life. I still don't know my identity. I still don't know myself.

I'm still lost.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

1am of the third day of cny

Ok. It's 1am in the morning and I'm being stupid. Again.

In my previous post I ranted/complained/whined about poly and up till now, I still don't know anyone who's going to Veterinary Bioscience. I would say I've done quite a good job trying to avoid thinking about it but now that I've started to think about it, the fear and hesitance starts coming back again.


I honestly don't know why I'm like this. I wish I was one of those people who are like, "OMG I'm so excited for poly! I can't wait to receive my enrolment package and sign up for camps!" Or be those people who PRAY to get into camps.

People like me just never understand. I hate camps. I hate socializing, really. I remember having a conversation with this friend, and we were talking about poly, about how if they played those games where you have to guess celebrities etc, I would fail badly at all the games. Like really badly.

Cause I could care less about fashion, gossip or celebrities lol.

So that left me thinking. Do I stay true to myself or learn to be like others?

I wish my answer was the latter. But deep down inside me I know I'm not that kind of person. Of course I would choose to stay true to myself.

Pssh, no. That's a lie. I'm just stubborn. That's it. That's the ultimate reason! I'm stubborn, selfish and sometimes stupid.

I wish, really really wish, that I would meet mature and good friends in poly. I. Want. Sincere. Friendships.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

O level results - Veterinary Bioscience?

-this post is now private on tumblr-

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Roti Prata with Yoghurt and Fruits

So today I decided to be a little more adventurous and do something weird.

I decided have roti prata with yoghurt and fruits!

I don't know how to make roti prata from scratch though, so I decided to just get the instant ones you find in NTUC.

I love red plums, and I ran out of green apple so I just stuck with one fruit :D

Chop it into pieces ~

I know, I know, there's no logic behind the way I cut things, I just keep chopping until all of them are bite-sized pieces.

Preparation done!! Now time to spread everything on my prata!

I think I put too much plums, but whatever :D I love plums anyways.

I LOVE IT!! I doesn't taste as plain as crepes do with yoghurt and fruits. The prata gives the dish a localised flavour, but it's not strong enough to cover the taste of the fruits :D

I'm so gonna do this more often.

Prata - 219 (per slice)
Yoghurt - less than 10 (I only used a tablespoon)
Plum - 30 per plum (I used 2, so it's 60)

Total: 219 + 10 + 60 = 289 kcal

That's quite ok for a meal I guess :D