Saturday, July 14, 2012

I woke up from my horrible attitude.

Warning: This post is quite wordy BUT it's very reflective and not just a useless and stupid post. I hope you enjoy reading & reflecting at the same time :D

My PE teacher, Mr Ling, is on maternity leave (his wife gave birth on Monday so he's given one week leave.) so there's another teacher who's taking over my class. I spent the whole lesson talking to him today and I can say that although he seems very..not strict and fun teacher, he's actually quite smart in the talking way. Like he knows how to talk to someone without offending them.

During the talk he actually said many things that made me reflect a lot. People always tell me that I have this tough attitude which they admire. That's just the nicer way of saying it. If you look at it from a different point of view, you can say that I'm bossy.

I used to comfort myself by saying that people who say that I'm bossy just have very low tolerance level and have no life, and that bossy is good, but bitchy is bad..etc. But when this teacher talked to me about it, he did not just point it out right away, he talked to me in such a way where he made me realize it myself, which I thought was very smart of him.

He says that he can tell that I'm someone who's a thinker, and thinks a lot before doing something. I'm not the type who does something for no reason, which is a good thing. But when I disagree with something and reason with someone, I have really good and logical reasons, but the tone of my voice is very dominative.

Usually when people talk with a dominative voice they would be accused as arrogant, and although my argument is logical and practical, I am being shut off as people just deem me as arrogant and refuse to listen to me.

Which is true. I get it and I understand where he's coming from and what he means. After the PE lesson, he actually got me reflecting like crazy about myself. Just a few days ago I was doing my devotion and I realized that I'm being arrogant and harsh, like my father.

So afterwards during science lesson I was just staring at the worksheet, not listening while a million things run through my mind. That's when I realize many, many things.

Sometimes it's not about how logical and realistic your argument or opinion is. It's about how you say it, how you manage to convince people to side you and understand you. Because truth is, everyone prefers to hear good things about themselves. Everyone wants people to agree with them.

No one likes to be disagreed with, even if the other party is being very logical and you know that they're right while you're wrong. This is why when someone is being disagreed with, they would prefer to hear it in a nicer way and not in a insulting and harsh way..

Just like when the PE relief teacher told me about the tone of my voice, he did not just point it out like my friends did, he did it slowly, and gently. Even so, I wanted to argue with him, but I heard this voice in my head, telling me to think twice before acting. That's when I knew, he's right, and I'm wrong..

Just like my humanities teacher. Why does everyone dislike her so much? Why is everyone so scared of her? She's actually a really nice person. She's open-minded, she can accept a different opinion. She can understand and she's really logical.

So why does everyone dislike her and fear her so much? Because of the tone of her voice. The fact that I'm saying this is not to point out her mistake, but to help others understand. The tone of her voice makes everyone fear her because she's loud.

But if you think about it carefully, she's actually right. She gives logical arguments. Her answers are practical. She's RIGHT. The only thing is that she's just a little harsh. I admit, for a period of time, I was shutting her out. I was scared of her because of her loud and harsh tone.

But when school reopened in term 3, I got to talk to her one to one and like I said, I became more reflective after the june holidays. And that's when I realized that she's not as bad as I thought. In fact, she's actually a really nice person. People just fail to realize that.

It's no one's fault, really, it's just a misunderstanding. People who are harsh should learn to be more gentle. People who are very affected by harsh people should learn to understand that it's not their fault, and that you should give them time and not just gossip behind their back.

I always complain that my dad is very harsh with me, that he lacks gentleness. But I failed to realize that I lack gentleness too. I know that I'm a lot like my dad, just slightly better since I grew up bearing with his mood swings and attitude.

I'm not gonna say that I was harsh since young, because I wasn't but on the contrary, I actually unconsciously learnt it from my dad. When I was very young, I'm actually very gentle and soft-spoken. I'm very quiet and I'm always at the corner, away from everyone.

But as you grow up, you go through things that make you change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. Me? Good and bad. It made me tougher and bolder, and I learnt to have more confidence in myself but at the same time it made me more and more arrogant since I became daring enough to speak out my thoughts (which are logical and practical).

People start praising me that I'm very logical, I'm good at arguing.. And as time pass I became more and more daring, and that's when I become more harsh and dominative. Why? Why is it that I would become like that?

Partly because I have this leader thing in me. What do you call it, leadership qualities? Yeah. Some people have it, some people don't. And when these leadership qualities get more and more exposed to different types of people, the dominance increases unconsciously.

But it's also because that's what I saw from my dad and to be honest, that's something that I admire about my dad.

But let's face it, it has it's pros and cons. Some people need to be harsh to for them to listen and wake up. Some people need to be told gently. My harsh and dominative tone works on some people, whereas for others, it doesn't and instead, it actually hurt them.

So here I am, my friends, apologizing for my 'bossiness' and my harsh and dominative tones or actions. Please give me a chance to change and during the process, be patient with me.

Ok, second point.

The PE relief teacher also told me that when he was in secondary school, he didn't have any friends 'cause he's very soft spoken. Yes, I know that friends are good, that it's difficult without friends, but it's not impossible (or at least I thought so) so I told him that it's actually okay to be without friends, that they're not that important.

He said, no, friends are there to give you the support when you need it. Sure, without them, you would be independent, you would be able to do things yourself without the help of others. But at the same time, when something happens and you need someone to talk to, who do you turn to?

God? Yes, God can hear you. He can comfort you. But sometimes, we need physical touch. We need people to HUG us. We need people to tell us that it's okay and that it's gonna be alright.

People always deny this, but it's the truth: EVERYONE NEEDS PHYSICAL TOUCH.

That's just the plain truth. No one can live on this earth by themselves with no support or encouragement from anyone. That's just impossible.

When he said that to me, I really didn't know what to say. That's exactly how I feel nowdays. Empty. Lonely. Outcasted. But am I really? No.

I have friends. I do. It's just that the ones that are close to me are not sitting near me. The ones that are sitting near me were once close but they are now no longer with me in a sense where they just cannot listen anymore.

You know how sometimes, there are people who are listening but at the same time, they're not listening? Like they can hear you, they're paying attention, they're answering you, but they're not being sincere?

That sucks you know. Especially if you happen to be very down that day and you need to talk but this person just refuse to listen to you sincerely. They try to answer you as if they care about you, but you can sense that they're not being sincere, that they are not using their HEART to talk to you.

So, what's the point of this blog post? It's just me trying to write down my reflections and trying to help others who are either very harsh, or being hurt by harsh people.

To me, the simple conversation has woke me up from my lonely world. It made me realize many things that I have been wrong about.

New resolution: I will try to be less harsh and more gentle to people. I will try to be more sensitive to other people's feelings.

Oh wow I just realized that it's so wordy. Oh well.

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